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I have been reading blog posts from another planet. At least it seems so to me.  The discussion circles around questions of etiquette: what to do if you receive an invitation to a child’s birthday party that says “no gifts”.

After reading 70+ posts over a six day period it is revealed that this discussion is really about getting stuff. Or perhaps getting only good stuff. Posters in this discussion don’t want you to choose gifts for their children, don’t want to write thank you notes and don’t really want to bring a gift for your children either. They point out that party gifts are not valued, either by the giver nor the receiver. The honest thing to do, one contributor explains is that: “By saying "no gifts" on an invite, I think you are basically sending the message that your party is a "no bullshit" zone. "This party is really not a plea for gifts, we want you there."

Somehow it’s not that simple. It seems that people still bring gifts to a “no gifts” party. Sometimes the gifts are even displayed. The guest who follows the host’s instructions about what gift they wanted to receive - none, feels embarrassed and even tricked. So, what to do?  “Just this year I got invited to my first "no gifts necessary, we have everything" party. I thought and thought about whether we should bring something because I had the idea that you can't go to a kid's birthday party without a present. I decided to not bring anything, just a card.  When we arrived people were walking in the house with presents and there was a huge pile in the living room. I snuck my card in the pile, but felt bad that we didn't bring anything when everyone else did.”

Party guests attempting to comply with a “no gifts” dictum, aware of the social booby-trap and pressure for political correctness to bring the “right” gift or none at all, might find a creative middle road. “In situations where we feel uncomfortable about coming completely empty-handed to a "no gifts" party, we will bring a personalized homemade pop-up colouring card (usually with some stickers carefully chosen from our collection at home that we think the child will like). They have been very well received by birthday-child and parents alike!”

It’s hard for a guest to get it right. Birthday party hosts have gotten self-righteously outspoken about their rude guests: "I specifically wrote "no presents please" on the invitations to my daughter's birthday party. And I meant it and everyone ignored it, much to my annoyance. The reason I wrote it is because my daughter didn't need or want anything, period.”  Is that so? Really, what is the deal here?

Turns out, parents face issues of control, taste and style that cause them to refuse the kindness of others. I found one poster who described what I think is more honest observation,  “I  know of only one couple who request 'no gifts' and mean it- and they mean it b/c they are seriously anti-consumers who are pro-social justice and pro-environment. The rest of folks who I know who say 'no gifts' are more like me- they'd rather not give up the control they have over deciding what kind of stuff their kids have/wear/play with. and I will admit that that is pretty obnoxious of me- to try and thwart the well- meant intentions of my friends and family members who are kind and generous enough to want to give my children anything, for any reason. to tell someone 'no gifts' because I think their gift will be crappy (in my eyes) is just plain rude, and may end up backfiring."

Maybe "no gifts" actually means "You better bring me something good, or else don't bother".

Parents say they don’t want you to give them more stuff. But it's a trade-off. They also don’t want or just can’t afford to buy more stuff for other people.   “…we simply do not want more toys. Who really needs all those toys? … we can't really buy a gift for every single birthday party…I mean, 20 parties...phew.” 

Ok, I get it. We live in a world of easy access to junk that we use in social situations where we are expected to come up with stuff. The recipients don’t want the stuff and the giver doesn’t really put much thought into it anyway. There are lots of women like those in the blog, young mothers who have babies and are giving first birthday parties, who are simply weary of endless junk and don’t have any place to put it anyway. My question is, why is everybody so uncreative, unsophisticated and self centered?

My dear ladies, is there truly no way you can invite me to a party without directly instructing me on what you DO NOT WANT?  Yes, I do consider that rude. You not only imply you are expecting something from me but you are pretty sure you are not going to like it. And admittedly, I know what you mean. I might just root around in my box of re-giftable gifts and you will end up with that Hillbilly Roadkill Cookbook I got for my wedding. But if we actually know each other a bit well, I might think of something you would enjoy. Mightn’t I?

I just don’t see why you can’t work your way out of this box by yourself. Let’s take three points you might want to ponder:

Hospitality
It’s a party you’re giving, right? Let’s look beyond getting gifts and put the emphasis on hospitality and making an effort to treat your guests to wonderful food, conversation and entertainment. And because you just thought of it, no, this has nothing to do with expense and everything to do with effort.

Quit whining
The charming way to de-emphasize gifts it to stop complaining about these inconsiderate, materialistic gift-giving friends you hang out with and start giving parties that don't require gifts. What? you ask. Yep, I have given many a birthday where birthday is not mentioned on the invitation. We have done a swimming party, a "fancy" tea party, horseback riding party, a fairy party or a baseball party. Then we sing, eat cake and ice cream. After all the main point of a kid birthday is the CAKE, remember? Not the presents.

Thank you notes
Your goal, should you wish to accept it, is to GET a thank you note from a guest; from someone who had a truly great time at a party you gave. There is nearly nothing better than working your butt off to create a great party and getting a hand written note from someone who appreciated what you did. If you have never received such a thank you note, you do not yet understand the value of thank you notes.

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